Self pity is not a stranger to me. I know her very well and is my best friend for a long time. It introduced me to a lot of emotions as well. There’s depression, anger and hatred.
Self pity came to me when as a child when everybody is I feel against me. Everybody’s calling me taba (fat) and baboy (pig). I don’t see any beauty in them at that time. I etched in my mind that I am an ugly girl and nobody wants me. I feel I lack attention also. I would always see my cousins getting attentions in parties. They are being praised so much that it makes me sick. They pay attention to me only when I am the butt of joke. I hate every minute of it. Where’s mom? In the kitchen preparing food. Where’s dad? In the alcohol department.
I was so sorry for my self. I was almost crying all the time. But I realized crying won’t take me anywhere. Getting angry won’t get me anywhere. After I hated, it won’t take me anywhere. After I sleep, when I open my eyes, its still gonna be there. What I need is to do something about it.
Why vent all of this now? I gave up self-pity only a couple of months ago. For me, she’s someone so persistent because I have been with her for years. But I realize I have to let go.
I feel kinda weird about this entry. But things are better analyzed when you wrote about them right? I guess I could finally say I am really writing on a journal now.