Letting GoPosted: July 1, 2007
Its only 5:30 in the morning on a Sunday. It actually sucks. I was wishing I would be waking up late just like everybody else but here I am having these thoughts coming to my head like gushing water.
I’ve been wanting to write my Life Dream for the longest time but somehow I am afraid to as we have a painful experience with it. Perhaps writing about it would help me release it and be free for once and for all. I have been carrying this fear for the longest time now and I want to conquer it.
When I finished gradeschool then (you see its way back but its hunting me), I was focused that I when I finished highschool, I would be taking up in college Fine Arts or Architecture or anything that is related to arts and design. I love designing, crafting etc. I know that this is my core gift. But then on the end of my freshmen year in highschool, my mom suddenly left us. Right then and there, I knew that I could not pursue the course that I wanted to as it will be expensive and the reality that my dad cannot push that college course. I ended up taking accountancy as a practical choice.
SInce then, I avoid making future plans. I live one day at a time as the disappointment of the situation left me devastated and depressed. My family couldn’t help me much either as they are grieving on their own and don’t know quite well how to handle the situation. My mom is the first one to die of the ten siblings. I felt that everywhere I go, I see pity and grief in their eyes. My dad is not much of a help (I love my Dad but its this fact is a given and I can’t change it). He even added to the grief we are feeling by shaming us by becoming alcoholic and showing to the world and spending all what my mom left us.
I’ve learned that future plans hurt. But I do plan. But like every plan, you have to have a plan B or C or a D. I didn’t back then. And the blow was very hard. I knew I could still have pursued what I wanted. I could have been a student worker or something to sustain what I wanted. But I had emotional problems then that only time would be able to heal. But mind you, I did try to look for a job (about once or twice) but failure was next to my name then. I had very low self-esteem.
Now, in another stage of my life, I want to turn around once more and right the wrong, straighten the curved line and go on with my life with the most positive attitude I could. I know its very hard but I know, the first person who is beside me all this time together with his gift to me, is right there until the end.
Perhaps now I could write about my Life Dream. I felt much better now.