What I’ve MissedPosted: March 24, 2007
When I got married, I kept thinking about my mom and what event, again, she’s missing. Right now, I know that I missed something too. And its out of my control. It’s now a given. period. She’s never, ever coming back.
Here’s what she missed and I missed and not so missed.
Missed #1- Highschool Sophomore Year Recognition
This is the year after mom died. In every extended family I go to, I can feel the grief in their eyes. I can also feel the pity. I really hate the pity. I felt only grief and pity. I ran away from them. Refusing to go to any family occassion. The comfort I had was my FOOD. I ate all the sweets I can. And I am also comforted by the pounds that I gained. Weight History: 180 lbs. Waist line: 40 ins. I was miserable. I was depressed. I want to die. But the funny thing, I was recognized as the Academic Achiever from my class with best in Mathematics.
Missed #2 – Highschool Graduation
My life got a little better. I was not in grief much, at least not in the outside. I was able to shed the pounds and reduce the waist by joining the COCC ( Cadet Officer C___ Course). I remember the comments of then horrified CAT officers when they saw the big, ugly me joining the troop. I just don’t care then. I was numb. I got myself busy then. Trying to lead a normal life.
I graduated with recognition, not for academic, however. I’ve got one for Artist Circle Club, CAT and Loyalty Award.
Missed #3 – Debut
I can still recall mom talking about my debut with her siblings on what her plans when my debut come. I remember talking about a hotel, fun and excitement. But I was thinking back then a more practical type. I want a second hand bettle bug to drive. But what happened was, my debut has been a charity ( please note that I was cynical then ). I know it sounds bad but if I could re-do it, I will. My auntie contributed for me to have a celebration. Friends came and celebrated with me. I was happy. But the happiness was empty. The love that I want people to show is not what I am getting. I have this doubts in my mind, why did my aunts gave that celebration? Is it out of pity? obligation? love? A hug is what I need then. Comfort is what I crave.
Missed # 4 – My first love
I fell in love with a wonderful guy before I graduated from college. I am so happy. He’s got all what I prayed for. I really thought that God is good. I have missed telling my mom and having a girl talk about boys and stuff.
Missed # 5 – College Graduation
After four years, Horraay! I finally graduated. I followed the steps of mom and decided that I want to be a CPA also. The attendees of my commencement exercise are my friend and D. Where’s my dad? I don’t remember. Perhaps drinking his heart out again like what he did for the past 7 years at that time.
Though I finished a business course that came into me naturally, in my heart, I still long for a career in field of arts and design. But I have to be practical. Jobs for accountants are very easy. And an artist shall always be an artist, no matter what.
Missed # 6 – Wedding
I never dreamed of my wedding. The reason? I don’t know. I am still on the process of analyzing a lot of things in my life. I got civilly wed to the man of my prayers, just about two weeks ago. And I am happy.
My dad finally decided to show up this time. He’s more reasonable now.
I know its not really mom’s fault that she can’t show up on some of these occasions that I consider biggest event of my life. But somehow, I couldn’t help wishing that she should have taken care of herself better. She should have gone through the stupid operation that January instead of moving it to March ( she died February ). She should have learned to eat more sensibly than favoring taste over nutrition. I know she is just loving us the way she knows and have time for. I know that her work consumes 75 % of her time. I know she tries very hard. But I guess, its just really her time to go.
I also have so much regret. I should have hugged her more. I should have kissed her more. I should have spent more time with her more than nurturing my teen rebelious emotions then. There are so much I should have. But everything happens for a reason as they say.
Until now, I miss you, mom. Its too bad there’ll be no kikay shopping for us that I read so much about in blogs or books or my officemates talk about. There will be no one to advice me when I get pregnant and have your first grandchild. There is no one to talk to me about female things. I could read all of those I need to know from books but still, coming from you is different. My mother in law is ok, but you know how headstrong I am. I do love her for who she is. But still you are different. You always have the best interest of me. I miss you. Wish you are here.