What I’ve Missed

When I got married, I kept thinking about my mom and what event, again, she’s missing. Right now, I know that I missed something too.  And its out of my control. It’s now a given. period. She’s never, ever coming back.

Here’s what she missed and I missed and not so missed.

Missed #1- Highschool Sophomore Year Recognition

This is the year after mom died. In every extended family I go to, I can feel the grief in their eyes. I can also feel the pity. I really hate the pity. I felt only grief and pity. I ran away from them. Refusing to go to any family occassion. The comfort I had was my FOOD. I ate all the sweets I can. And I am also comforted by the pounds that I gained. Weight History: 180 lbs. Waist line: 40 ins. I was miserable. I was depressed. I want to die. But the funny thing, I was recognized as the Academic Achiever from my class with best in Mathematics.

Missed #2 – Highschool Graduation

My life got a little better. I was not in grief much, at least not in the outside. I was able to shed the pounds and reduce the waist by joining the COCC ( Cadet Officer C___ Course). I remember the comments of then horrified CAT officers when they saw the big, ugly me  joining the troop. I just don’t care then. I was numb. I got myself busy then. Trying to lead a normal life.

I graduated with recognition, not for academic, however. I’ve got one for Artist Circle Club, CAT and Loyalty Award.

Missed #3 – Debut

I can still recall mom talking about my debut with her siblings on what her plans when my debut come. I remember talking about a hotel, fun and excitement. But I was thinking back then a more practical type. I want a second hand bettle bug to drive. But what happened was, my debut has been a charity ( please note that I was cynical then ). I know it sounds bad but if I could re-do it, I will. My auntie contributed for me to have a celebration. Friends came and celebrated with me. I was happy. But the happiness was empty. The love that I want people to show is not what I am getting. I have this doubts in my mind, why did my aunts gave that celebration? Is it out of pity? obligation? love? A hug is what I need then. Comfort is what I crave.

Missed # 4 – My first love

I fell in love with a wonderful guy before I graduated from college. I am so happy. He’s got all what I prayed for. I really thought that God is good. I have missed telling my mom and having a girl talk about boys and stuff.

 Missed # 5 – College Graduation

After four years, Horraay! I finally graduated. I followed the steps of mom and decided that I want to be a CPA also. The attendees of my commencement exercise are my friend and D. Where’s my dad? I don’t remember. Perhaps drinking his heart out again like what he did for the past 7 years at that time.

Though I finished a business course that came into me naturally,  in my heart, I still long for a career in field of arts and design. But I have to be practical. Jobs for accountants are very easy. And an artist shall always be an artist, no matter what.

 Missed # 6 – Wedding

I never dreamed of my wedding. The reason? I don’t know. I am still on the process of analyzing a lot of things in my life. I got civilly wed to the man of my prayers, just about two weeks ago. And I am happy.

My dad finally decided to show up this time. He’s more reasonable now.

I know its not really mom’s fault that she can’t show up on some of these occasions that I consider biggest event of my life. But somehow, I couldn’t help wishing that she should have taken care of herself better. She should have gone through the stupid operation that January instead of moving it to March ( she died February ). She should have learned to eat more sensibly than favoring taste over nutrition. I know she is just loving us the way she knows and have time for. I know that her work consumes 75 % of her time. I know she tries very hard. But I guess, its just really her time to go.

I also have so much regret. I should have hugged her more. I should have kissed her more. I should have spent more time with her more than nurturing my teen rebelious emotions then. There are so much I should have. But everything happens for a reason as they say.

Until now, I miss you, mom. Its too bad there’ll be no kikay shopping for us that I read so much about in blogs or books or my officemates talk about. There will be no one to advice me when I get pregnant and have your first grandchild. There is no one to talk to me about female things. I could read  all of those I need to know from books but still, coming from you is different. My mother in law is ok, but you know how headstrong I am. I do love her for who she is. But still you are different. You always have the best interest of me. I miss you. Wish you are here.


6 Comments on “What I’ve Missed”

  1. kimcaraher says:

    Thank you for sharing your feelings. It was very difficult for me to read this, but important. I have advanced cancer. I have a 14 year old daughter, a 9 year old son and an 18 year old son. It is so sad to think of what we won’t share, but maybe there is some dimension in which we will share. I’m sure if your mother can be with you in some way that she is. I pray that I will be in some way with my children. And I will do everything I can to be with them now, for as long as I can.

  2. tofubaby says:

    @ Kim – Many thanks for the comforting words. I know my mom tried her best. Please do everything. Try nutritional supplements if you must. You’re still lucky, you have ample time to spend with your kids. My mom left very suddenly. She didn’t have time for parting words or letters to write.

  3. toni says:

    Hi Tofubaby. It took courage to write this piece. I could feel your pain and your love for your mother in every word. I have no right mix of words to help you feel better, but I do want you to know that your words have inspired me to cherish my relationship with my Mom more. Thank you.

  4. tofubaby says:

    Hello toni. I don’t know what came over me when I wrote this. That night, we just watched “Wag kang lilingon”. If you have not watched it, in the story souls walks the haunted house at 3:00 am. That early morning, my husband woke me up at 2:30am as I asked him to so I could use the computer. Then an hour of browsing, I just typed my heart away. I guess, its the accumulate emotional turmoil that I haven’t told anyone that bursted out. Or perhaps, dinalaw ako ng nanay ko 🙂 Hehehe. Thanks toni.

  5. sexy mom says:

    i know how it feels for you to put these into writing. it must have been emotionally exhausting, but i guess, now you feel that to a certain degree, you are freed. i did write a piece about my mom and our relationship (http://dine.racoma.com.ph/musings/105/). only when i wrote it was i able to assess the situation and have the firm resolve of how our coming days will be as mom and daughter.

    am sure she will be happy wherever she is, if you MOVE ON…a new beginning…

  6. tofubaby says:

    @ sexy mom – I moved on or so I thought, but life must go on. I felt much better after I wrote this. Many thanks again, dine. Lab na kita 😀

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