Last night, D’s family decided to take night swimming. It was planned only yesterday morning and was “unplanned” again that time. Apparently, they reconsidered and went through the plan up to the last minute last night.

Personally, I don’t want to go. A budget for swimming is not allocated in my budget plan and it will just frustrate me to go somewhere unplanned without extra cash. I am careful with cash these past few days as I don’t much.  Then D told me, not to worry. He’ll take care of my entrance fee. Great. A free outing.

Everybody chipped in. The three siblings ( D and his sibs) have agreed to pay for 2 extra persons each. The food is a treat from the sistah. 

When we arrived there, the entrance fee was a little bit higher than expected as its an overnight swimming. Then the dilemma of the cottage was brought. I don’t know what took place between the three as I was minding my own business (actually I was observing two lizards having a feast near the flourescent light). Then all of the sudden, D came back to my side very angry. He said to no one ”For Php 350.00 ( about $ 7.50) they will think ill of me?”. Then the joyride started there.

We we’re all very hungry at that time so we decided to eat. Everybody’s busy. D refused to eat. I got irritated. I ate alone. The family decided, after eating, to go change clothes and hit the swimming pool. D sits stubornly. Then he asked me to buy beer. I bought two bottles.  When I came back, I was horrified that he gulp down one bottle as if its water. I grabbed the other bottle and manage to drink half of it as D grabbed it also after emptying the other one. He urged me to go swimming. I think the one and a half beer is finally getting to his system. He don’t drink alcohol. I am getting angry. I went in the swimming pool. I swam close to the cottage. I don’t trust him this time. And I was correct. He began pouring also the hard liquor his dad brought. I was loudly calling his name but he couldn’t hear me. I went out of the water and sat beside him. I asked him what he was doing. And the answer suprised me. He sounded like my father. I got worried.

He said, “I was just drinking water with Coke (Coca Cola)”.

I said, “Don’t lie. I saw you. I’ve been watching you from afar.”

The conversation by this time is now similar to a merry go round. I ask a question, he keeps repeating the answer.

He said, “Is it bad to drink when you are upset? They only call me big brother in times I could give them money without hearing a second word about it. Now that money is tight and couldn’t give them money easily, they’ll look at me as if I am a good for nothing. I am only big brother when they need something.”

Honestly, I don’t know what to say to him that time. I asked “What can we do something about it? Do they know what you feel?” But telling it to a drunk won’t do any good.

After a long, long conversation, I finally was able to have him move, even if its to the toilet.  When we arrived at the toilet, he asked why did we go there.

I told him, “Because you said you want to piss.”

He looked at me puzzled and said, “Did I say that?”. 

I want to laugh out loud. I said, “Yes, you did.”

He said, “Ok”

After three minutes, he came out and said, “I don’t need to piss. But, let me take a shower.” Then he took a shower with his clothes on.

After the shower, “What happened? Why am I wet?” I want to laugh out loud. Actually, I am already giggling and  have this big smile on my face at that time. Then the merry-go-round conversation again started.

When we got back to the cottage, I was encouraging him to go into the water. We were thinking that his drunken state would vanish after that. I couldn’t persuade him. Thanks to his cousin, he finally agreed.

Then at the stairs of the pool, he said, “Why is there a flood? Why are they swimming? The water is dirty. Our house is somewhat like this when there’s flood.” We just smiled.

There are more conversations like that after that. I won’t go more into detail as D might read this entry sometime. I am not sure how he will take it. Would he laugh at it or he would take it in a desctructive way? I am not sure anymore. I feel I don’t know him enough.

I want to take the situatuion in a funny way. Our conversation for the whole night was like a dream to me. This is the first time, D really got drunk. And I have already known him for more than ten years. He hates alcohol also. His questions and reactions are just so funny. But on the other side, I am saddened by this.

Actually, I told him ( I don’t know if he remembers ) that we would not go into an outing like this again if we are not the one who’s paying for it.  I am mad. Actually, I want to go into a rage. I am mad for doing this to him. I am mad because I feel like my dad, I am not enough for him. I am not enough for him to be strong. What if I want to breakdown too? They think I am strong. I am just a very good at hiding thoughts. I am getting tired. And I want to do something about it. That’s always been my motto. Whatever stupid thing I do today, the problem would not go away. It may even get worse. The fear of the worse is what keeps me going.  I need to think fast. I need to clear my head as well. I need to grow up.

Mondays are busiest day of the week at work. Its the day also that I am most irritable. Sometimes I wonder if these gentlemen have any common sense at all. They have been embarking and disembarking from vessels for the the last five years and yet they don’t remember the procedures of what to do next with their papers. Perhaps being aboard makes one dumb. Then these gentlemen are very lazy reading signboards and papers. You have to tell them what to write (like a five year old). Its like I was hired to think for them. But to be fair, not everyone of these gentlemen looks like a lost child. Some of them are like smart-ass kids that loves to make a fool out of you. Some looks like they’re suffering from ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). They couldn’t just wait. But perhaps they just need to go to the bathroom badly.

But actually, there are some pretty decent persons whom I also encounter everyday. And some are actually fun and interesting to talk to. When I ask about what they do, they are very accommodating, patient with me to feed information that I really have no idea. Though there are also some that will answer me briefly and tries to get away from me as fast as he could. They’re afraid to be questioned further as if the skill in running a vessel is a big secret.

On my last post, I had this “wishful thinking” that I had no consciense. Then I came across this book I bought yesterday, The Beautiful Balance of Body and Soul by Cynthia Culp Allen and Charity Allen Winters. Then it suddenly hit me. What was I thinking?

I will not go into full detail about the books content. But it was really helpful to me as I was very down these couple of weeks.

A couple of weeks ago, somebody I learned to care about hurt my (our) feelings (intentionally or unintentionally, I don’t know), and I lost enthusiasm with my social life, business and other stuffs. I was sad because I was trying my best to solve the problem where everybody would be happy. I already told her to wait a little longer. But she couldn’t wait. She had to have it. She said I need to do something about it no matter what. Her action startled me. I was shocked. I said to myself then, I have to solve it so I could cut the ties. I’m not proud of it but I solved the problem. Unfortunately, I have to lie, even if its a white one, to other people. I have to add another list on my loans that I was trying to clean out. My allotment for house renovation was also given to that person. She said before that she will not pressure us when we asked for the plan, then all of the sudden, she pressed hard out of nowhere. I became sad and my husband angry. We are doing the business because we want to help her. She presented herself as somebody we could count on. But I guess she have to save herself. I fully understand. But I know something’s wrong. I feel different.

Then I came across the word bitter on the book. Is that what I am feeling? Why? I couldn’t fully understand.

Earlier, we had a talk with one of our old friends. We have a problem with one of our friends as we feel we are hurt by his actions. I know the best approach for this is to talk to him ( the problem friend) face to face. But, I also lost faith in him. Its the nth time he did not show ANY care with our friendship. And to think that he calls my husband best friend. You see, he was committed to us to work part time. We are an active member of an international business. We were very patient with him as we try our very best to train him. At first, we are turning a blind eye on his attitude. We are not really minding his lack of self-motivation which is essential to the business. He needs also to have a genuine interest to help other people. To make money because of the business is not the way it works. Then the friend of ours (the one we are talking to earlier) offered him a partime job. Actually, we are happy. What we are “complaining” about is that he didn’t bother to mak e a short talk to us that “Hey, G gave me a job. I’m afraid I won’t be able to do our business as much as I need to.” Again, he left us in mid-air. He’s always there when he needs us, but now, simple things like that, he takes it for granted. We are tired. G, D and I agreed that the best step here is to let him go. He have to learn a lot of things on his own even though its a harder road.

I’ve always known that its bad to talk ill of others. But sometimes I couldn’t help it.

As the book reminds me, beauty should not be in physical appearance only. Body and soul should be beautiful. I am afraid I have been neglecting the soul part. Anyway, they have given a few feminized samples from Proverbs about one’s mouth and I like to share them with you.

She who restrains her words has knowledge (17:27)

A fool’s mouth is her ruin,

And her lips are the snare of her soul (18:7)

When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable,

But she who restrains her lips is wise (10:19)

The one who guards her mouth preserves her life;

The one who opens wide her lips comes to ruin ( 13:3)

Death and life are in the power of the tounge,

And she who loves it will eat its fruit ( 18:21 )

Then, I remember something that I am not very proud of. I have said to myself before that I don’t like gossips. People have the rights to their privacy and opinions and decisions and we should not talk about them behind their back. If they did something that is immoral in our standards, its their life. I am sure they know the consequences. Anyway, I broke my own law. I have spoken to somebody something that I only heard and not really sure about a person and I felt terrible. The girl is nice to me. I am not really sure that she did was I heard she is doing but I stabbed her in the back. Actually, I couldn’t look straight to the girl’s eyes anymore. I am ashamed. I promised to myself (hope that I will not brake it) that I will never ever again be involved in company gossip.

Sometimes I wish I don’t have a conciense. If you take out consience from a man, I believe that is when a person can be truly evil.

Sometimes I pretend I am evil. Its a lot of fun since you don’t need to think of others being affected by your decisions. You don’t need to worry if another person suffers from your actions. You shouldn’t care what others may think of you. You can freely talk and do what you want. Give opinions about everything regardless even if its unsolicited.

The only good thing about it, I think, is that people will leave you alone. You have peace (?) and quiet for as long as you want.

But being bad is so easy. Doing good is a challenge. But do you believe that there’s a truly evil person that exist without a conscience? What an interesting person to me for a while, a bit eccentric at it seems. 

But what do you think?