I have this post on the draft for a month now. I wasn’t able to publish it until now. I can’t since I couldn’t finish it somehow. Alot happened after the first draft. But the title is clear. This is a post about death. Let me tell you how the new year began for us.
My sister told me Father has a fever. That was before Christmas. He lives with my sister. My sister was able to get him to a doctor after Christmas. Then the next day, on a hospital.
At 11:25 on New Year’s Eve, he died. The diagnosis was sepsis. His blood was poisoned. Underlying cause is diabetes. We are by his side that night even I don’t want to. I have the gut feeling that I don’t want to go there because I feel he might say goodbye. And he did.
My father and I don’t have a good relationship. He hates my guts and I hate his lack of responsibility for his life. I have little respect for him since he made our life a bit of a hell for not acting like a parent. He became worse when our mother died when I was 13.
He left home last year to be with his 2nd wife. He asked me to buy him out for the conjugal property he and my mother has. In short, he is selling me something I would inherit in the future. And so I obliged. I borrowed money and I spent my husband’s earnings.
After 6 months, he returned or rather was returned. He became hard to live with. The change was hard for him since he is already 59. And after a month, it happened.
Secretly, I am happy he is back. We finally could have our dad for ourselves. I was already planning a birthday party for him since he is turning 60 last January. There’s also the hearing aid he needs. But like always, our way of thinking doesn’t match. It seems he wants to be with our mom, like he always say when she died.
I felt numb. It hurts. Grief and regrets came flushing in again. Had I been a good daughter? I could have been better! etc. etc. The “what if’s” and the “I-should-have’s” floats around my mind endlessly.
I believe my father said goodbye to me in someway. He had acknowledge my presence on his hospital bed that day. I relieved my sister for the day to be his caregiver. He knew I was the one who is taking care of him.I have forgiven our father for his shortcomings. I hope he has forgiven me as well for being a not so perfect daughter he had hoped. We clash because we are a lot alike. I also forgive myself for shortcomings.
I think I shall write about how I coped with our loss on another post soon. I shall be comparing the way we had dealt with the lost of our mother when I was just 13 and the loss of our father now I’m 33.